~ I have a problem. I know I’ve titled this post “Women Problems: Why Do I Bother?”, but my real problem is I haven’t learned the art of “Baby, You’re Right!” Perhaps it’s because I’ve been single for so long. Perhaps it’s because of my pride. I’m not clear on the reasons and the whys. What I do know is women drive me crazy. Thus far, I have endeavoured to keep this blog positive and I think I have done a very good job of that. However, this post is a rant to someone. I don't mind you reading it but don't be all bent out of shape with me for this one rant. ~
The reason I didn’t want to continue talking to you is because I realized, right off the bat, I was the bad guy. No matter what valid point I made, it would be turned around and used against me. It was clear to me that you were in a very emotional state and I really didn’t want to argue. I wish I didn’t send you that last text message, telling you just that, because I just furnished you with ammo for the next time you want to argue. I apologize for that.
As far as communication goes, I understand you want to feel “loved” and “pursued” and “wanted” but the fact of the matter is if I don’t call you for a couple of days doesn’t mean I don’t love you. You should understand, I’m 37 years old and I’ve never been married. I’m used to having time to myself. I love you but sometimes I like to be by myself. I’m a loner like that. If we were actually married, I would look at things differently. I know you are always going to be there. I know the kids are always going to be there. I understand that. Guess what…we’re not married! I’m, technically, still single and I still want time for myself (many times I feel like you expect me to be a husband but I don’t see it that way because we aren’t married…yet).
You seem to want me to change a lot of things about myself before we get married. I understand that with “precision understanding”. I know if I don’t (for example) brush my teeth regularly before I’m married, I’m not going to do it after I get married. Well, I’m not the only one who needs to change things prior to our “elusive” nuptials. I do remember the episode that followed an announcement I made to you when I explained to you that when we get married, you would have to attend seminary school (I was only trying to plant a seed, prepare you for the future). You got all upset as if I slapped your face. I wasn’t asking you to drop everything you were doing right now, change, and move away from everything you know with me (just so you know, I don’t expect to live here in MS until I’m old unless God wants me to. If I had my way, I’d be somewhere else like London, England). You say you love me and that you have faith in God but why does it scare you to move to the other side of the country with me so that you can attend Bible Seminary? It’s not like you won’t be able to visit (I want a wife not a prisoner)!
Wait! Let me guess! You are afraid that I’m going to change on you. You are afraid that I am going to become someone else or treat you differently around people that you do not know. You are afraid that I will not be responsible with/for your kids because after all, “they are YOUR kids and you have a responsibility to them and because they aren’t mine, I won’t care about them the way you would! That’s a mother’s love!!!” (Really!? You think I’m that heartless, really!?!)
This tells me that you don’t trust me or understand me. I understand, but you your feelings on the matter were so strong it causes me to wonder, why would you be with me at all? If I’m this “threat” that you think I am, if I am this “big danger”, why are you with me? Would you rather I lay my ministry to the side and just change into what YOU want me to be and you yourself not have to change? (This is the impression I get from you.)
It is for this reason that I have not “officially” proposed. For one thing, to be with you is expensive. I have not been the most financially responsible in the past, I know that. For the past few years I have been actively working to reverse my financial situation. So far, I don’t see how being with you is going to change that (I’m not blaming you for my financial situation. I clearly said “I have not been the most financially responsible in the past”).
Look. I can go on and on and on about many things. Your “communication policy” (How much affirmation do you need!?!), your reluctance to change but demanding that I be different, even your subtle attacks on my character (…because you’re so perfect). I am forced to ask myself, why do I bother? Why do I put up with you? Six years ago, I broke up with you (I’ve broken up with you several times within the past 7 months actually) because of similar things I’ve enumerated above. If I am as “messed up”, as you obviously feel I am, why would you put up with me?
It’s things like this that frustrates me so much. Why should we bother? You’ve mentioned to me that you have a ministry to perform before God. You’ve told me what that is. I honestly do not see how that is going to work if we are married. You don’t seem to be the kind of woman that can let a man be a man and run things. Though you claim that this is what you want. All I see from you is a big ball of fight, resistance and rebellion.
I know this is where you’ll try to point out some flaw I have. Yes, I have flaws. I choose to keep those flaws between me and God. I prefer to work them out with Him, but tell me something…why is it you have so much confidence/understanding in God and His word but the meaning of I Corinthians 11:5-6 totally and completely eludes you.
[I Corinthians 11:5-6, “…But every woman that prayeth or prophesieth with her head uncovered dishonoureth her head: for that is even all one as if she were shaven. (6) For if the woman be not covered, let her also be shorn: but if it be a shame for a woman to be shorn or shaven, let her be covered.]
So, yeah, we all have areas we need to work on. My closing statement or the sum of it all is my reluctance to marry you is due to you. I put up with you because I do love you and I feel that you are my soul mate. I am careful and reluctant to marry you because despite me feeling like you are my soul mate, I want to be sure that I want you (too many times people have told me to take my time, well, I’m taking my time). To want you means I’m willing to put up with all of your problems (many of which you have not shared with me and it’s not due to my lack of communication or you having the opportunity to tell me) and quite frankly, “I can do bad all by myself”.
I would much rather us not be married and happy than to be married and miserable. I feel like this, if you feel like I am going to be a problem/more trouble than I am worth to you, then feel free to let me move on. Sure I will hurt, but I will also put on my big boy pants and move on with my life. That is how I feel about you. I know people believe that if you love someone, you’ll do anything for them or to be with them. I believe that includes letting them go as well. I don’t require much of you, but I do require that you be “with the program”. If you can’t do that (you’ve been reluctant thus far) then please…love me enough to let me go on my way. There ARE other people out there for us. There is NO shame in NOT getting married.